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On Suicide

May 15, 2012

I’m not as suicidal as I used to be.

There was a time when I was certain that I would commit suicide. I didn’t particularly want to; it was just a fact of life. I knew that one day my emotions would overwhelm me, and that would be it. I’ve done a lot of things in my time I’ve regretted; it made sense that I would go too far, again, and then decide I was of no worth to humanity.

My experiments with the education system have failed. Most of the time, I’m too scared to leave the house. Now, I think it’s certain that I contribute far less to society than I take. But I’m not as suicidal, though I look to the future and only see more pain.

I know now that I can’t do it. I’ve tried, but I’ve never taken that final step. I’m too scared of it going wrong, that I will cause yet more trouble for people. No-one can be watching, because they could interfere.

I want to die. I really, really want to die. Taking my body for parts is all I’m good for. I think many nights of what would happen if I died in my sleep.

They can feed me up with tablets all they like, that won’t change what I can do.

And I used to be worse than this.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. May 16, 2012 02:46

    Thinking of you & just want to say I know the dark places sadness can take you! Sending you a big hug!

  2. May 16, 2012 17:16

    I hope it’s okay to comment on something so personal. I realize that you don’t know me, and that I don’t know you, and that I have no idea what you’ve been through in your life to bring you to this place. But I’ve been suicidal myself, and known a lot of suicidal people, and I can tell you that most people really don’t want to die, no matter how much they feel like they do…they just want something that feels unbearable to stop – anger, sadness, pain, guilt, regret…any of these emotions. I *do* know what it’s like to feel something so intensely, and so unrelentingly, that the only way it feels like you can stop it is to kill yourself. But I also know what it’s like to come out on the other side of that, to feel like you can cope and to see reasons to stick around. It took some work with a therapist, and some medications to help regulate my moods, but I got there. You can get there too. You don’t have to keep feeling this way. Check out this website – it’s a crisis site for people who are suicidal and don’t feel like they can talk about it with anyone, and they’re all over the world: http://www.samaritans.org/. All the best to you.

    • May 17, 2012 21:36

      Many thanks. I’m on medication, and the closest to therapy the nhs is prepared to give me. I’ve phoned the samaritans before – they put the phone down on me as I couldn’t find the words to speak. When I’m feeling bad, I find concentrating on forming written sentences calms me down, though it does sometimes lead to distressing pieces like this.

  3. June 7, 2012 17:40

    I love your wordpress layout, where did you get a hold of it?

  4. June 14, 2012 19:02

    No disrespect to GirlWithACane & I agree with a lot of what was said, but I too had a less than positive experience with the Samaratins at one time which certainly didn’t aid in the current situation. Given their mission, it sickens me that it’s obviously ”just a job” to some that they take so lightly. To hear they hung up on you for lack of conversation…good grief! Kudos Kit on ”knowing” & seeking out what calms/inspires you! That takes strength, don’t let anyone ever take that away from you : )

    • June 18, 2012 22:11

      It wasn’t exactly a lack of conversation – I was completely silent. I couldn’t get me to make noise. I can understand why they’d think that was a hoax call, but I now can’t call them in case it happens again.

  5. June 21, 2012 21:54

    What? Have you actually been told you couldn’t call them in case it happens again? I can understand how it could initially come across as a hoax, but gee whiz I would think in their training & supposed empathy that this behavior/reaction is common, & that a good effort to reaffirm support should at least be made on their part. What a twisted dynamic though in the strength it takes to even make the call to a “resource” fall out from under you like that! Sorry – can you tell this lack of kindness & sensitivity gets to me :/

    • June 22, 2012 22:22

      Because I’m scared that it will happen again, that makes it more likely that it will happen again. I genuinely made no noises in the phone call. And when I do manage to talk – like I did phoning the emergency number for my local nhs team – because I was struggling to speak, they thought I was struggling to think, and patronized me more than I have been before or since (and my mum’s a primary school teacher, so she’s practiced at patronization). I just no longer expect this to actually work for me. My current mental health nurse wrote a emergency plan (without consulting me) that basically comes down to “phone our emergency line” (I’m in a different area now, so it won’t be the same people). I have told him that I’m unable to speak when in distress, but he seems to confuse unable and unwilling. If he’s unaware of people being unable to speak while distressed, how common is it? I’m gonna write a piece in the next couple of days about interactions between anxiety, depression and autism, and my speech difficulties are gonna come up in that for sure.

  6. July 1, 2012 23:40

    That’s awful! There is a very obvious & distinguishable line between unable & unwilling…gee whiz! I am so disgusted at the way they treated you, & to patronize you, in the state you were in! Oh, man! I’m a lot like you whereas I tend to lean more towards being quiet also…it often makes me cry! I wish there was something more I could do for you, but I know sometimes just having someone truly listen has the greatest impact! The acknowledgment goes a long way >>> thinking of you & sending you strength to see this through!

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