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March 5, 2012

There are plenty of times to have new beginnings.

I had a new beginning when I went to volunteer at the book place. I had responsibility, and a monotonous task to do – my favourite kind. But I began on haliperodol, and that began to make me seriously drowsy, I was worried about standing up for a long time. And another volunteer found a way to trigger my tourettes, didn’t realise that something was wrong even though I shouted so loud every time.

I had a new beginning when I went back to university. But the tablets were making me hibernate, and I wasn’t used to feeling so alone. I managed to feed myself a little, but the fear of the impending work overwhelmed me, and the night of my second Thursday I found myself sat of the floor of the kitchen, a knife in my hand, wondering about the best way to cut off my toe.

So I began on the mental health ward, a female-only ward. I felt invisible, yet obviously out of place. I tried to hibernate, but they made me join in with their activities. I avoided the makeup sessions, but had to sew, even though I was scared I’d hurt myself with the needle. They reduced my haliperodol dose, and put me on antidepressants too. Finally I felt confident enough to stand and walk without my legs giving way. I enjoyed the art sessions, and was so pleased to not have to think about my future.

Is going home a new beginning? Is my parents’ house home? I don’t know. I’m alone during the daytime, but have access to the internet. I wish I could talk to people in person, but twitter will have to do. I have a mental health nurse who visits once a week, and I wish I could talk to him about the things that matter, but after he put inverted commas around the word boyfriend, I don’t feel I can speak to him on trans issues. Which is a shame, as now I’m feeling less depressed, I am wondering more about my gender.

There are plenty of times to have new beginnings.

In my religion, there are 8 main festivals. Each one is appropriate as a time to begin things. But I forget when my festivals are, and only notice when other people point them out.

In my parents’ religion, a lot of people begin or end things at this time of year – Lent.

The new year is a time for new beginnings.

Birthdays, too.

I can find a reason to begin things anytime. I just don’t know what I need to begin.

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