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Why am I depressed?

January 31, 2012

Maybe if I can answer this question I can stop it.
Why am I depressed?
I’m an incredibly lucky person. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and people who care about me.
I am depressed because I am convinced I can never do anything right. My first suicidal thoughts weren’t due to depression – they were due to regret. My anger problems were causing me to do ever more violent things, and I hated who I was becoming. I fully believed that one day I would so regret what I had done I would kill myself.
I’ve never been the happiest of people, and I would be fine carrying on like that without the suicidal feelings. I’m no longer as angry as I was, though I still regret things as trivial as shouting at my parents.
I need to be good at something, because currently I don’t feel good at anything. If I am good at things, I don’t regret how I’ve done them so much. I’m a perfectionist. I have overwhelming levels of regret. I get stuck in computer games because I can’t see the perfect route forward. My stories are a pile of aborted drafts.
But what can I do? I want to work in broadcast media, but I hate the sound of my voice. I want to be useful, but even if I do things to the best of my ability, I’m sure I’ve not done them well enough.
Soon I will have an answer. But tonight I realised I do not have depression, I have regret. And that gives me a way to tackle it.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. February 1, 2012 01:43

    That’s an interesting way to look at it. I hope you can tackle it. I wish I could tackle mine.

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